A pantry and a baby, how exactly am I going to tie these two subjects together, you may ask? Well, buckle up, it's a whirlwind of a tale. I promise part two will end with some pretty rad remodeled pantry pics. It's been years since we expanded our kitchen and created a walk-in pantry. We have a very small house, so we have to maximize every square inch of space. This pantry used to be the narrow entryway to a spare bedroom. It was a bedroom I had big plans for. . . The doorway to the spare bedroom as it originally looked when we bought the house. ICK! By 2009, we were eleven years into our marriage and I had just given birth to the most beautiful and precious little girl. She was the dreamiest dream we ever dreamed of dreaming. She legit only spit up twice in her entire babyhood, (and both times were on her Daddy) 'cuz she knew where her bread was buttered, 'er should I say, where her milk was uddered?! 😜 Either way, that's Mama's girl - High Five! She also never soiled through a diaper, not once. She was sleeping through the night by 2 months old. She was an early walker, an early talker, so of course we naively thought we were killin' it at this parenting thing. (Only later to be humbled with child number two, who screamed for a solid four months and two years later, still poops up to his neck like it's his job, but all in due time.) The point is, we were beyond smitten. And we knew almost instantly, that we wanted another. Famous last words, right? We suffered an early loss shortly after we started trying again and then nothing. Nothing, for over seven years! We tried and tried, but I just could not get pregnant. They called it unexplained secondary infertility. We had no extra money and no insurance, so we weren't in any position to investigate further or try any sort of IVF. And every day, I would pass through this empty bedroom. (It was partially renovated and much cleaner by now.) In my mind, I could see where the crib would go. Where the changing table would be. It was all so clear, but it was also just a dream. This heartbreakingly unattainable dream. Meanwhile, people around me would say things like "at least you have one child, that's more than a lot of people get." Or, "do you know how blessed you are already?" Those well meaning comments cut me right to the quick! As if I didn't appreciate my sweet child? As if it was wrong to want to be a mommy again? To be sad over that lost dream? Of course, my heart absolutely broke for those who wanted children and couldn't have any. Without a doubt, I knew that we were blessed. It was because of that great love that we wanted another in the first place. Despite what anyone may think, it's still painful when you want a baby and are unable to have one, no matter how many you already have. So I stopped sharing my desire for another, and I did all my mourning behind closed doors. Simultaneously, my husband had been asking me for years if he could knock down the wall between that spare room and the kitchen. (He loves knocking down walls) We were in desperate need of more cabinet space. And he wanted to add a walk-in pantry and a built-in office area. I fought him for a long time on the subject, still envisioning that furnished nursery. Then one day, after standing in that empty space and having what Oprah would refer to as an ugly cry, I caved. I closed my eyes and gave him the green light. That was the same year I finally gave away all my baby clothes that I had been saving. Our daughter was now seven years old. She would periodically tell me how she longed for a sibling. Someone to play with other than her friends and us. I tried my best to explain to her that it simply couldn't be. My heart ached for her as well. She was such a giving little girl, so helpful and eager to please. I knew she would make an incredible sister! (Deep sigh!) Somehow though, I secretly always held on to hope. Even after taking sooooooo many pregnancy tests over the years and always getting the same negative symbol. I thought maybe, one day . . . Yet, as I stood in my brand new, spacious (for us) kitchen I felt a sense of peace come over me. It was cathartic breaking down that wall. Rearranging everything. When I walked by now, I no longer saw this space as an imaginary baby's bedroom. It was just my kitchen. "Okay", I thought, "I only get one, but she's is a darn good one and we're going to be okay." And that was the day, the day I softly laid the dream down. It was about a year later that some symptoms I had been having were starting to get worse. Hair loss, extreme fatigue, dry skin, unexplainable weight gain. When it was all added up, it turned out to be hypothyroidism. Apparently, having my daughter had put me into it and I had never really bounced back. Do you know something else the thyroid can affect? Ding, ding, ding, you guessed it, fertility!! I decided to look into some natural remedies before resorting to medicine**. I changed my diet and lifestyle drastically and within one month of cutting out gluten, soy and dairy and adding in a myriad of supplements and fermented foods, to balance my gut health; I lost 20 pounds and got pregnant. Just one month! After almost 8 years of loss and struggle. (Although, I didn't know I was pregnant yet.) Here again, I'm about to eat some humble pie, not my favorite flavor! So, you know when you hear stories about a woman who was pregnant, but she had no idea? And we all start silently (or in my case audibly, because I'm rarely silent) judging her, because how can you not know you're pregnant, right? Yeeeaah, see where I'm going with this? There were several physical reasons why I had no clue I could be pregnant. I won't get into all of them, but one was, that I was losing weight and my stomach was actually shrinking. I was working out hardcore and eating super clean and literally getting in shape and transforming my body, while pregnant. There were other things, too. I was quite distracted by work. It was my busy season and I was on the go, go, go, non-stop. A few months swiftly flew by. When I'm grocery shopping at Wegmans one afternoon and it just suddenly struck me as I passed a certain aisle, "when was my last . . ." I tried to quickly calculate dates in my head, but I've never been good at math, so on a whim I grabbed a test. Eh, why not? I got back home with zero eagerness to take the dang thing. The plan was, pee on this stick, set it down and check back later for my all too familiar "NOT" read out and carry on with my day. The only problem with that scenario is that the stinkin' stick lit up like a neon weekend in Vegas before I could even get the cap back on. I nearly fell off the loo! My husband and daughter were equally shocked the next day, but I'm saving that memory (and the video, lol) just for us. So that's how we found out that we were already four months along with our little rainbow. We were in the safety zone! This boy was gonna be a keeper!! My heart burst with the overwhelming amount of love I felt for him already. This pic is from Cape Cod, when I was in my last trimester. I definely knew I was pregnant at the point, ahahaha. Of course, by this time the spare bedroom had long since been transformed into part of my kitchen. We had to problem solve our way out of that situation, but the pantry stayed. Be sure to check out Part Two to see pics of the fresh pantry makeover! Have you struggled with infertility or loss? Feel free to share if you'd like, in the comments below! You may also enjoy . . . **DISCLOSURE :: I am not a Doctor or a medical professional. I am not advocating any program or course of action for personal health care. I have chosen to implement certain things in my own life, that work well for me. If you have a health concern, I recommend asking a trained professional in the medical field for appropriate advice.
3 Comments
Kelly
1/28/2020 08:52:50 am
Your story touched my heart. There are pains that affect people that many will never know about an individual, without it being shared. I can also relate to hoarding those feelings and emotions to yourself as you did as I had my own tragedy to deal with. Thank you for sharing 💕
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1/28/2020 08:27:13 pm
Thank you Kelly! I think it's important to share sometimes so that others know they are not alone. I mean, I'm sure they know there's others going through similar things, but to hear it firsthand can be comforting. I totally understand and respect why many choose not to share their experiences openly. For me it has always been a way to cope, by talking about things. I think my mother named me well choosing Paige (page) because I'm definitely an open book, ahahaha.
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Tiffnie
3/13/2020 07:01:28 pm
Hello my friend. I just started reading your blog. The body is a wonderful and mysterious thing isn’t it? I too had an issue with fertility, though not as long as you endured. I’m pretty sure I have had autoimmune diseases since my youth and it all came to light after having Taryn. I ended up having hyperthyroidism, celiac and early onset osteopenia. The thyroid gland controls so much of your endocrine system. The digestive system also affects so many other parts of your health. It’s nice to share our stories so that others who hear or read about them can learn from them and hopefully avoid a long emotional roller coaster. So glad for your success in the family and the house reno.
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AboutHello, I’m Paige. I’m a long time wife, a loving homeschooling mama to two incredible kiddos, a professional photographer and a lover of all things cozy!
We live in a small fixer-upper bungalow in the suburbs of Central NY. Things get a little frosty here, so it’s the perfect place to cuddle up under a well-loved vintage quilt and think about our next DIY project. We’d love for you to follow along with us on our journey. Archives
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